Divorce Recovery Articles

Are You ACOA Or ACOA+ -Changing Choice- by James Burns

My dad and mom owned a bar so at a very early age it became very easy for me to be around people who drank all the time. From the time I was a kid I thought that the whole world drank and got drunk. My dad was a binge drinker and he would go off on a bender every six months or so. He would be gone from one to three days. I always asked my mom where dad slept when he was gone and she would say in the car. I wasn’t sure who drove who crazier, mom or dad. Dad would drink and drive mom nuts, but when dad was sober mom would say things to dad to get under his skin. So I wasn’t sure if mom drove dad to drink or dad’s drinking drove my mom to make those comments. I didn’t really drink as a teenager, but started to drink when I go married the first time. I drank a lot during the summer, especially when I bartended at a restaurant in Belmar, NJ. As I became unhappy in my marriage I drank more and more until my drinking got a little out of control and I became frightened of my own behavior and my thoughts. I knew on some level that I had a major problem, so I started to read all I could find about my drinking. I came across this acronym in a book, ACOA. I discovered it meant Adult Child of an Alcoholic. I read more and discovered that somebody hooked to a bunch of symptoms to the condition, 13 to be exact. What an unlucky number. Let me enumerate them here:

ACOA’s …

1. Guess at what normal is.
2. Have difficulty in following a project through from beginning to end.
3. Lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.
4. Judge themselves without mercy.
5. Have difficulty having fun.
6. Take themselves very seriously.
7. Have difficulty with intimate relationships.
8. Overreact to changes over which they have no control.
9. Constantly seek approval and affirmation.
10. Feel that they are different from other people.
11. Are either super responsible or super irresponsible.
12. Are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that loyalty is undeserved.
13. Have money dysfunction, such as hiding it or being disorganized with it.

After reading this list and the article associated with the list I concluded that I was an ACOA, dysfunctional, needed therapy, was warped, hated my parents, and had no business being married to a girl that I had known for ten years. Great, great, so now what? So what I did was come up with a lot of excuses for my behavior, act more like an idiot than ever before, get into therapy, and then divorce my wife. I began to walk around and wonder if every move I made was related to me being an ACOA. I began to argue for my own weaknesses and became more and more irresponsible. This went on for about five years until I started to learn the benefits of my time in history and my upbringing. There are benefits to our up bringing. Too often we look at the downside of how we were raised.

I was a baby-boomer as was everyone else in my age bracket, and I would bet that many of us have looked back at our lives and begun to wonder how did we ever get this way. I decided that I could go on hating my life or I could look at what benefit I got from my upbringing. I realized I could use my past to help the future. I was 36 years old (in case you’re wondering I am 52 now) when I started to realize that this ACOA thing was not an emotional death sentence but rather an opportunity for me to put things in perspective for myself and my children.

I had an epiphany of sorts one day about three years ago. I was riding around in the car with my daughter Grace who was about 7 years old at the time. I told her a story about my dad and we both ended up in hysterics. So whenever Grace and I were together, I would tell her another story about my father from my childhood. We had a great time laughing together. One day Grace came to me with a list she had compiled of these stories; there were 12 of them about my dad that she had kept track of on paper. All of these stories had come out of that dreaded ACOA environment that I lived in. You know the place that screwed me up. They were so funny now that it didn’t matter that my dad had the personality of an alcoholic because all Grace knows is that I don’t, and she and I can laugh together about all of the insanity that I went through as a kid.

So let’s take a look at that list of ACOA tendencies again:

1. Guess at what normal is.
2. Have difficulty in following a project through from beginning to end.
3. Lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.
4. Judge themselves without mercy.
5. Have difficulty having fun.
6. Take themselves very seriously.
7. Have difficulty with intimate relationships.
8. Overreact to changes over which they have no control.
9. Constantly seek approval and affirmation.
10. Feel that they are different from other people.
11. Are either super responsible or super irresponsible.
12. Are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that loyalty is undeserved.
13. Have money dysfunction, such as hiding it or being disorganized with it.

All anyone has to do is take a look at this list and they will conclude: That’s me. I’m a mess. Any way, lets briefly look at each item on the list, put it to bed so we can live a life that doesn’t have us trying to figure why we snore, or eat fast, or lose our temper from time to time. Let’s look at this list and try to determine what principles we need to apply in our lives and what actions are necessary on our part to change our behavior.

Guess at What Normal Is

The last time I looked a normal body temperature is 98.6, normal blood pressure 120/80. What is normal behavior? Are there any benchmarks for normal behavior? Look. We were all designed in a particular way and we are just a compilation of the things people have said to us over the years and what people have done to us. If you don’t like how you have been acting make a decision to make some changes. By the way, stuff like your parents, or your brothers and sisters, and your age, and your time in history, and your nationality, and your gender, are all unchageables, so don’t dwell on those but rather do dwell on what you can change about yourself, and then take action. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Do it slowly, and the changes will be permanent. It is kind of like losing weight. The slower you lose it the greater the chance it will stay off. The slower change is made the greater the chance it will be permanent. So accept how you got the way you got and focus on the journey to becoming what you would like to be.

Have Difficulty Following Projects through from Beginning to End

I hate doing things that I don’t like or want to do. Really I can’t stand it. Some of the stuff I don’t like to do I have to do. I have to cut the grass, solicit business, pay the tax collector, and yeah take my time when I am in a hurry unless I want a speeding ticket. So let’s realize that there are things we hate doing, but they have to get done. So we must be responsible for these things. But there are things that we like doing and that we are good at. Maybe it’s working on cars, selling things on eBay, writing short stories, or coaching little league. We have a knack or an ability in these areas and the more we do them and succeed the more confidence we develop, and the more we like doing them in the future. Do yourself a favor find out what your gifts and talents are, and involve yourself in projects that utilize your natural talents and abilities. Work on projects that involve your strengths for a while and continue to be responsible for the things that you have to do. Little by little start to learn how to do something new and take some chances in uncharted waters once in a while. See how long you can stay with it, and don’t be hard on yourself. If it doesn’t work, try something else. The important thing is, do something. Sometimes there are things we will never learn to do, for me it is complicated home repairs. When that happens I call Carl my handy man.

Lie When it Would be Just as Easy to tell the Truth

Why do people lie? It is because they are afraid of a confrontation, and no one likes a confrontation, right? So when they get confronted by a significant other or a boss or by someone whom they are frightened by, they fear their reaction - so they lie. This is rooted in and ACOA’s childhood by the way. Our parents reacted to the things that we did and the mistakes we made. We became fearful, and we lied to them. John Bradshaw, the guru in the area of ACOA said telling the truth prevents future pain, and I agree. A person will always be found out so ask yourself if you want the reaction now or later. By the way the reaction later will be twice as bad, so take it now. If lying is your problem understand that the worst thing that is going to happen is that the person is going to yell at you. Deal with it. If you want to get out of the habit of lying don’t lie and above all don’t embellish stories about yourself or situations. Everyone is not going to like everything you do or say. Jesus said, “Whoa unto him that all men speak well of.” I don’t think everyone spoke well of him 2,000 years ago, and there are groups that don’t speak well of him now. So you are in good company.

Judge Themselves without Mercy

The biggest mistake I made 15 years ago is when I mistook judging myself for evaluating myself. I think we all have to evaluate our thoughts, words, actions, attitudes and motives from time to time. We also have to admit our mistakes and move on and make a commitment not to make the same mistake again, especially it was hurtful to others. Judgment comes from guilt; it comes from others judging us so badly that we end up kicking ourselves before someone else has a chance to do it. Realize that others are always going to judge you, and if you believe there is any truth to what they have to say, then work on improving. If you are being judged negatively by others for things you know are positive character qualities in yourself, then say thanks for the feedback and move on. Always be in a mindset that you will always evaluate but not judge yourself or others.

Have Difficulty Having Fun

Many times I have been asked to do something or go somewhere that wasn’t fun for me but was fun for someone else. I beefed and complained the whole time. If something isn’t going to be enjoyable for you make a decision to either not do it or do it and shut-up , but don’t make someone else’s life miserable. Discover for yourself what is fun for you and do it. Don’t feel guilty if someone else wants you to do something and you don’t want to, just don ’t do it. Don’t feel guilty about your behavior. Believe me, the people or person you are with will appreciate your absence.

Take Themselves Very Seriously

My comment here is so what if you take yourself seriously. Doesn’t everyone want to be taken seriously? But you should develop the ability to laugh at yourself too. lightened up a little. If you feel like you are being laughed at make people aware that if something is said and we’re both not laughing it’s not funny.

Have Difficulty with Intimate Relationships

What does the word intimate mean? It means to be close or very familiar with someone and to allow someone to be on the inside track with you in terms of your likes, and dislikes. It means to let someone know who you really are. The word intimate has been misinterpreted by some to mean a physical relationship. ACOA’s basically have difficulty making friends because we are always afraid that we are going to get hurt by the friendship. An ACOA tries to by pass the friendship part when they are with a person of the opposite sex and move to the physical part of the relationship. ACOA’s need to work on becoming friends with people first and understand what a friendship looks like and learn how to give not take in relationships. Once this is learned they will have a better chance in an intimate relationship.

Overreact to Changes Over Which They Have no Control

ACOA’s have a tendency to react to things over which they have no control. Try to make the choice not to react. Start to get a handle on what causes you to react, and then it will be easier for you not to. Realize that at times you are reacting so strongly because you believe that is a way for you to back into control – by creating fear in others with your reaction. Don’t allow yourself to have reactions that are intended to control others or instill fear in others. Remember that this is what your parents did to you, that it was miserable to always be so worried about their reactions. If something is out of your control, be aware of it and ask yourself what you can do to bring it back into control. Learn what you can and can’t control. Once that gets figured out things will start to improve. We will learn how to be responsible for what we can be responsible for and let go of what we can’t do anything about.

Constantly Seek Approval and Affirmation

ACOA’s are very needy people. They always need something, in this case approval and affirmation. Well what do we do if we don’t get it, crack up or leave the person your with? It seems to me we are always looking to get something from somebody and if we don’t get it no one understands our lot in life. Let’s try something, let’s try giving instead of getting. Let’s approve of people and affirm people. Not with a motive but because it will make someone else feel good about themselves. After we do this I think we will discover that people will approve and affirm us. Give before you get.

Feel They are Different from Other People

We are different from other people a lot different. But, other people are different from us. We have a unique design. Oh we have to work on ourselves but so does everyone else in different ways. Let’s like who we are and where we are and work to improve on ourselves daily. I think that it’s ok to feel different, in a positive way. When we start to feel different in a negative way it affects the way we perceive ourselves and that only creates a bitter attitude toward our own past, a past that we have little control over and can do very little to change.

Are Either Super Responsible or Super Irresponsible

There is nothing wrong with being responsible. We are all not responsible for everything though. Do yourself a favor and make a list of the things that you are responsible for. If it starts to get extremely long you probably are taking on too much. Ask yourself this question from time to time; Am I assuming responsibilities that I was never intended to have? If the answer is yes then ask; what will happen if I don’t take on this responsibility? You will discover that the answer will probably be nothing. The biggest challenge we face is balancing our responsibilities.

Are Extremely Loyal Even in the Face of Evidence that Loyalty is Undeserved

Do yourself a favor and find things that you can be loyal to. I can think of one, my family. They are the most important. Any job that I have had can run with me or without me. That’s not to say that we don’t do our very best on the job or do what our boss tells us, but rather we keep it in perspective and realize who is going to be there for us when the need arises and that is our family members. Family members can be identified any way you want. They are usually the ones that have showed us the most loyalty.

Have Money Dysfunction, Such as Hiding it or Being Disorganized with it.

ACOA’s can be very impulsive in terms of their spending. One suggestion here is this; if you want to buy something ask if it is a need or a want. If it is a want wait two weeks and then decide if you still want it. If the answer is no you just saved the money. This helps balance yours and your family’s financial life.

What I have tried to do here is something that is called going from theory to practice. I have read all kinds of books about how I got the way that I got. How I got here doesn’t matter. What matters is what I am going to do now that I am here. Most people that I have spoken to want to read a book and discover something to do right away in order to make change. They are not interested in why they do what they do but rather how to stop, like right now. My daughter taught me how to change real quick, laugh about it and enjoy the person you are with while you are laughing. For me it was Grace who showed me the blessings of my past.

Author's Bio

Jim Burns is one of America’s most inspirational educational speakers. His humorous and insightful presentations touch and influence his audiences in an unforgettable way. Best known for his presentations on Bullying, Motivating Disaffected Students, Diffusing Power Struggles, Character Education, and Leadership, Jim has worked as a teacher and administrator since 1977. He is also an accomplished college instructor who teaches graduate level courses in the areas of Cooperative Discipline, Disability Awareness, Brain Compatible Methods in the Classroom, and Teaching and Learning through Multiple Intelligences. Jim connects with participants in his audience in such a unique way that they are able to practically apply his information in both their personal and professional lives.

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