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Things
To Consider When Considering Divorce-
by Belinda Etezad Rachman, Esq.
For parents of minor
children who want to know what ALL the options
are when a divorce is going to happen, hear this.
A mind works best, like a parachute, when it is
open. There are very creative ways to divide property
and to share children if both parties keep their
eye on the prize – the well being of the
children. They didn’t ask for this drama
and it is possible to shield them if the two of
you work at it. The idea of “working at
it” may sound odd to a couple who is about
to break up just because their relationship isn’t “working” but
if you have kids together your job will never
end. There will be weddings and grandchildren
and holidays for the rest of your life. If you
start World War III now, with the kids caught
in the middle, they are going to have to do a
lot of duck and cover as your verbal bullets whiz
over their heads.
Take a step back and
focus on the children.
No matter what perceived
wrongs may or may not have happened to you, this
is where you are right now and playing the blame
game may make you feel better but it is not productive.
A little rational thought instead of playing victim
to your own feelings is what is needed most right
now. The more you focus on anger, the more anger
you will feel. Focus on the children now instead.
Who has been the primary caretaker? If you have
been a stay at home mom or dad, guess what, you
have to go back to work because you won’t
collect enough support to keep you accustomed
to the life you have gotten used to living. So
if both of you are working then you really get
a chance to look at a shared custody situation.
It is hard to raise a child alone. Sometimes you
really need a break for your own sake.
5/2 2/5.
This is a
very popular child sharing plan that gives the
children a consistency that is dependable. One
parent always takes Monday and Tuesday while the
other parent always takes Wednesday and Thursday
with weekends going back and forth. This means
that you will never be away from the child more
than 5 days at a time. Some times the weekend
runs into your Monday/Tuesday and sometime it
runs into the Wednesday/Thursday. Having big chunks
of time with and without the children lets you
plan a personal and work life that a lot of people
enjoy.
Nesting.
This option
is for the really big boys and girls, and I don’t
mean your kids, I mean you. Petty people can’t
do this. You have to be pretty special to take
this on but I like to think that if I had little
kids and my husband and I were going to break
up, we would be mature enough to pull this off.
In the 10 years I have been a divorce lawyer only
one case I was involved in went this route. It
only lasted a year but in that year the child
was completely secure in her home. So instead
of the child moving from home to home, the two
of you get to be inconvenienced. This addresses
a lot of issues like surly teenagers not wanting
to visit the non custodial parent because they
don’t want to leave their home and friends.
What ever your time share is, 50/50, 75/25, etc.
the PARENTS move in and out of the family home
and share what I call the “bachelor pad.” Think
about it, how can a couple who has been living
paycheck to paycheck (yes, the rich live like
that too) who have had one or two incomes just
barely supporting one household suddenly go their
separate ways and be able to afford separate housing
that will accommodate the kids when they come
to visit? If the two of you stayed in the family
home when it was your time with the children and
switched back and forth between the home and the
bachelor pad, you would not have to rent a big
place to accommodate the kids. All you would need
is a studio apartment or one bedroom apartment.
You would need to be very discrete about having “guests” of
the other sex. You can’t leave tell tale
signs around that would make the other person
jealous or uncomfortable. Like I said this option
is for people who can play at a much higher level
than normal.
On the financial side,
if you have a bitter, uncooperative, self employed
spouse, try collecting support.
It is impossible
unless they feel like paying you. This is going
to be a fight to the end and you probably will
never collect what you are owed. The last thing
you want is to go to war with a person like this.
So now we talk about the most important decision
you will make. What kind of divorce do you want?
Some people want to go in guns blazing. There
are a LOT of attorneys who just love clients like
that because they know they can make a lot of
money off of you. But if you have a self employed
spouse, you NEED them to cooperate. You know what
your grandmother used to say about catching more
flies with honey. A long, expensive, adversarial
divorce will not produce a workable result when
the side who owes the support is self employed.
They will dig in their heals and do so much creative
accounting, you will end up paying them.
We create our lives
out of our intention.
That may sound counter intuitive.
You didn’t intend for your marriage to end,
did you? Well intention is like a muscle, the
more you use it the stronger it gets. If the two
of you intend to break up with as much cooperation
and generosity as possible BOTH of you will be
better off, financially and emotionally. I always
say the same thing to people, you can divide the
pie two ways or four ways. Which way do you get
the most? When you use divorce mediation, you
cut out the lawyers. The average fees in California,
when both sides have their own lawyers is $20,000
each, but the truth is that the more you have
to lose the more your fees will be. Divorce attorneys
are the only kinds of lawyers whose fees are protected
by the equity in your home. They KNOW they are
getting paid. Do you think the case will take
longer or resolve itself quickly when you have
a lot of assets? Human nature being what it is
and certain attorneys hiding behind their duty
of being “zealous advocates” will
make sure the case does not settle until there
is nothing left to fight about. If you want more
details, read Charles Dickens’ Bleak House.
Nothing has changed.
After 8 years of being
a divorce lawyer I had had enough.
I couldn’t
take the false allegations of child molestation just
to get a foot up in a custody battle. I was sick
of the truth taking the back seat to what you
can prove through the rules of evidence. I was
so tired of the person with the assets being able
to hire the best liar and then pretend they were
broke and the court being so blind that they let
this travesty continue without sanctioning the
lawyers who knew their clients were lying. Funny
how the lawyers got paid but not the poor ex.
Once upon a time and for many years I was the ONLY
person who took low income family law cases for
the North County Bar. When I tell you that you
only get the justice you can afford, believe it!!!!
Mediation keeps the control in your hands. You
know what the deal is because YOU are making it
and not being told what to do. Crafting a solution
gives the couple the sense that they are choosing
how their life is going to be. No one is telling
them how to do anything. You have a lawyer telling
you what the law is so if one person starts going
way off base, I can reel them back in and let
them know they would never get that if they went
to court. But I am a sounding board. I am not
throwing gasoline on the fire to keep things hot.
The way I give you information does not incite
you to fight.
The overwhelming majority
of people know what they have. There are no hidden
Swiss bank accounts in most divorce cases yet
attorneys will spend thousands of dollars doing
discovery, taking depositions and serving subpoenas.
Why buy more than you need? Would you do that
with a house or car? Why would you do it with
a divorce? I am not saying mediation is for everyone
but if the two of you are two decent people who
just want out, no one is trying to hurt the other
one and both of you are honest and reliable about
money with enough honor to keep your word, then
you are the perfect client for me and mediation
is perfect for you. Not all my clients are that
perfect but I have 100% track record with every
couple who has ever worked with me. Every single
one has come to an agreement because I have a
powerful intention to find everyone’s bottom
line and fashion a fair plan. My intention is
100% every time.
You can count on me
to help the two of you through a transitional
period that has its challenges but I will do it
in a way that is peaceful and respectful to both
of you.
No one is going for a ride in my office.
No one gets mugged, trapped or surprised. The
two of you do your homework together or separately,
it is up to you and then we work together, on
average between 4-7 hours. I have helped over
150 other couples and only those who “get
it” show up at my office so we are already
ahead of the game. If you “get it” then
I want to hear from you as soon as possible. My
fee is $2,500. The average price when both sides
have their own attorney is $40,000. I am sure
the two of you can find something to do with the
extra $37,500. But most importantly, you will
be comfortable enough to co-parent. This is the
best gift you can give to your children. I ought
to know, I was one of those kids caught in the
middle. My folks still take shots at each other
over my head. This is why I do what I do. Someone
has to bring some sanity back into the divorce
process because the adversarial system destroys
families. What kind of divorce do you want?
To listen to a very
informative audio program about the differences
between mediation and litigation, go to my website.
Author's Bio:
Ms. Rachman
has been a family law attorney for the past 10
years and before becoming a lawyer, taught special
education for many years. Her Masters in Special
Education has given her the kind of special skill
set that makes it possible to have a 100% success
rate with over 150 couples who have come to her
for divorce mediation. Anyone needing a divorce
who lives in California, can do Divorce In A Day
mediation with Ms. Rachman.
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