The
Effects of Divorce on Children-
by Susan Lieberman
When a child's parents break
up, it can be a very confusing time for him/her.
To make the transition easier, it is important
that parents are taught how to prepare their children
for parental separation, what to expect from children
(i.e. possible physical and emotional reactions)
and how to protect children from parental conflict.
A family experiencing separation
and/or divorce enters a process that involves
a vast array of feelings ranging from shock, to
anger, to sadness, to guilt. These emotions are
felt by all, and unless addressed, can leave lasting
scars.
When a couple makes the difficult
decision to separate, it is imperative for them
to recognize that their children's fundamental
need for security, remains the same as during
the time that the parents were married. Children
need to feel that their parents will still provide
them with emotional and physical security. In
order for a child to feel secure, their parents
must demonstrate that they are fully competent
to cope with and get through the changes that
come with divorce and separation.
The younger the child, the
less able they are to communicate their needs
to their parents regarding separation or divorce.
When pre-school children feel unloved, neglected
or insecure, they tell you with their behaviour
(e.g. regressing back to earlier stages such as
thumb sucking, wetting the bed, afraid of the
dark etc…). Older children are better able
to communicate verbally, but they will also show
their feelings through their behaviour (e.g. lack
of interest in school, getting poor grades etc…).
Adolescents may react to the divorce by cutting
classes, becoming verbally abusive, using alcohol
and/or drugs, defying curfew or by acting withdrawn
and depressed.
How Can Counseling Help?
After arriving at a decision
to separate, a couple must take a lot into consideration.
Counseling can prove to be a helpful process
that can assist the family to cope with this difficult
time. Each individual is different and therefore
deals with the news of separation in a unique
way. As a result, families choosing to enter counseling
must utilize it in a way that serves their family
best. In many cases, separating couples proceed
through counseling in stages.
The first stage of counseling
often begins before the couple breaks the news
to their children. This way, the couple can first
begin to deal with their own emotions which can
help them to later put their children's feelings
above their own. As well, a counselor can help
the couple decide the best time and way to deliver
the news to their children and can educate them
on what to expect from children according to their
different ages and developmental stages.
The second stage of counseling
usually occurs after the children have been told
about the separation. At this time, it is not
uncommon for children to experience many different
emotions that they are unable to express to their
parents for fear of taking sides and/or hurting
feelings. A counselor can provide these children
with an outlet to deal with their feelings in
a safe and secure environment.
Family Therapist Susan Lieberman
gives examples of skills that parents are taught
in counseling to help children cope with separation
as well as some common signs that children are
reacting to separation.
Helping Your Child Cope
 Assure
them that both parents love them
Give
them reassurance and understanding
Acknowledge
their dilemma and confusion
Allow
them to be loyal to both parents
Minimize
conflict in front of your children
Try
not to substitute children for adult companionship
Children
should maintain links with their extended family
Share
feelings and/or information with your children-
children feel terribly insecure and fearful when
you keep them in the dark
Set
up a support structure for your child. People
who could be a part of your child's support network
could be: the parents of your child's best friend,
your child's teacher, your family doctor, family,
friends, a therapist who specializes in children,
a pet and most importantly, yourself!
Children's Common Reactions
to Separation
Behaviour:
Clinging
to one or both parents
Loss
of interest in friends
Attention
seeking
Aggression
Physical
symptoms i.e. stomach aches, headaches, etc…
Drop
in grades and/or complaints from teacher
Bed
wetting
Depression/withdrawal
Moody/silent/listless
Resentment
Difficulty
concentrating
Feelings:
Emotional
distress
Sadness
and grief
Relief
Anger
Guilt
Fears
of abandonment…"What's going to happen
to me?"
Rejection
Insecurity
Confusion
Frustrated…"Nothing
is the same!"
Worried/stressed
Depressed
Shock/surprise/denial/disbelief
Children are often the forgotten
victims in a separation/divorce. However, with
the right amount of sensitivity, compassion and
patience on the part of parents and others in
the community, children should be able to overcome
and deal with their feelings and emotions.
Author's Bio:
Susan Lieberman is in private
practice in North York as a family therapist and
public speaker. For more information, Call: (416)
512-6356. or email her.
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