What to do if you Suspect
Your Spouse is Cheating, by Sam Montana
What should
you do if you find out your spouse
is having an affair. First of all, you need to be fairly certain
they are having an affair, you can’t just
start accusing because you suspect, you need more
proof than that.
Do not
accuse your spouse, or even ask them any questions
concerning this until you have a considerable
amount of proof. If you were to just see something
odd on their email account or cell phone, don’t
just ask them what and or who this is about. Usually
if someone is having an affair and they are asked
or accused at the slightest bit of evidence, they
will lie out of it, gaslight and explain it away.
Usually making you feel like you are the wrong
one for even suspecting they could do something
like, and they will hide things better.
There are
many things that you can look for to give you
proof, the first thing is your gut feeling. Is
something not feeling right? Is your spouse acting
differently towards you or her job or certain
people? You just need to pay closer attention.
- Coming
home late on a consistent basis. Or taking far
too long for simple errands.
- Saying they have to work late
and this never shows up on their paycheck
- Using the cell phone privately,
if you can check the phone privately, look for
a certain number or numbers that are called a
lot and at odd hours.
- Look in their car for odd
items, condoms or receipts to motels.
- Check the phone bills, especially
cell phone bills. You can check these online many
times and get a record of all numbers called and
received.
- Do they travel a lot on business,
which many people do nowadays, look in their overnight
bags for anything really unusual.
- Look around for business cards
that probably aren’t part of their work.
- Check the computer’s
history, look for dating web sites, check emails.
How to confront your spouse.
When you have enough proof,
that is the time to confront your spouse and ask
them what is going on.
Be prepared for all kinds of
different things. Some spouses will break down
and admit everything. Some spouses will deny and
lie and gaslight and do what is called blame shifting,
turning everything around on you like its your
fault.
Many spouses who do admit that
they did do something wrong with someone, usually
don’t tell the entire truth at first, this
is called the trickle truth. Over time and after
asking many questions, more and more truths come
out.
When you confront and ask your
spouse about the suspicious things you find, try
and do this calmly. This might sound odd, but
you have to make it safe for your spouse to be
totally honest with you, what this means is that
every time your spouse admits something, don’t
blow up at everything, don’t call your spouse
all kind of names, and don’t threaten divorce
at every truth they admit to you, these things
could make your spouse not answer any of your
questions.
Any question you ask
your spouse about their affair, make sure you really want
to know the truthful answer before you ask. It
is also important to know that it is up to you,
not your spouse to dictate what answers you do
need to know and what you don’t need to
know.
Sometimes it is better if you
write down your questions and your spouse answers
them on paper. It might feel better for you if
you asked your questions in front of a qualified
therapist, by qualified, find one that is trained
in infidelity.
Any therapist or spouse that
says to you anything like, lets forget this and
move on, or you don’t need to know the whole
truth, anything that resembles sweeping it under
the carpet is wrong and most likely will lead
to more lying and more affairs.
If the original feelings and
problems that lead to the affair in the first
place aren’t discussed and fixed, then why
not have more affairs. Many times after affairs,
relationships become stronger then ever before,
usually this is because for many, honest communications
occur.
Take care of yourself.
The
discovery of an affair is emotionally draining. Your moods will swing
between shock, despair, depression and extreme
anger. At this time you need to really take care
of yourself. Don’t drink alcohol, first
that could make you far too angry, it can make
you do things that are too rash, make decisions
that need to be made clear headed. And the hangover
will make you much more depressed.
Try and sleep, eat good, take
vitamins and exercise can help the stress.
Website
Sam Montana © 25 November 2008
Original article: What
to do if you Suspect Your Spouse is Cheating -
written by Sam Montana on Factoidz
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