Divorce Recovery Articles

Divorce: How To Get Your Ex To Stop Bad-Mouthing You To The Kids, by Donald Pennington

One ex-spouse speaking badly of the other ex-spouse, to the children of a divorced couple, has a name. It's called 'parental alienation.' This occurs within a divorce, whenever one parent wishes to have the other completely eliminated from their lives. Because of a child's natural-born love for both parents, and because of the confusion and pain it causes the only innocent party of any divorce, it's finally being recognized by the courts as the abuse it is.

Of all forms of abuse though, parental alienation needs only one step to stop; just stop! Acts of parental alienation in a divorce need not be avenged, kept on any sort of a scorecard, or even apologized for. It merely needs to be stopped…and nothing more.

Either parent may be well justified in their hatred of the ex. Both may even be justified. But the children were neither party to the mistake of the marriage, nor did they give any informed consent to being born to two jerks. Their pain is undeserved, unfair, and should be limited as often as possible.

Parental alienation is an immature, unhealthy attempt, at avoiding the need to deal with the ex-spouse. Rather than handling whatever emotions are involved, or admitting to their own flaws and faults, either ex-partner may try a total 'parent-ectomy.' Men do it. Women do it. Friends and family of either partner do it. The only innocent party, are the victims themselves, the children. While the primary actor is often the parent with primary custody, the visiting parent may also try it, out of a need for retaliation.

While one party to a divorce might be reading this and realizes that, the author, in his infinite wisdom, is right again, the other party might not be so agreeable, and therein lies the problem. So how does somebody, get another somebody, to 'cut their crap?' It's not easy but it is do-able. This will require patience, fore-thought, self-control, and a great big steaming plate of humble-pie. Add to this the strength and understanding of a loving parent.

Two parties to a divorce with children involved, do not need to be friends, to do right by the kids. But both do need to remain parents. It's only fair to the little ones to reserve any negative comments of the other parent until the child(ren) is/are old enough to cope with a 'grown-up' comment about the other. Who knows? By that time both may even find the maturity and grace to forgive one another.

With all of these thoughts in mind, here are a few tips to help readers get the ex to stop bad-mouthing them to the kids. These will help…but there's nothing easy about them. Then again, marriage isn't easy. Parenthood isn't easy. Divorce isn't easy. Love isn't easy. Life isn't easy. If a reader is looking for some sort of 'magic bullet' this isn't the page…but please…do read on:

Divorce: How to get the ex to stop badmouthing you to the kids tip number one:

Stop doing it yourself. This might seem like a no-brainer, at first, but it's amazing how many folks want to live by the double-standard. That just won't 'fly' with the courts or the kids. So, why would anyone think it'll work with the ex? This point is mentioned first because it's primary. Act upon all of the advice in the world but this and fail miserably.

If the kids ask questions about the ex (and they will…guaranteed) suggest that they ask the ex. Talk about anything with the children but the divorce! They'll enjoy you showing an interest in them anyway. The only place to be blatant, open, and chillingly truthful is when the judge asks you what's happening. That's why kids aren't allowed in the courtroom friend.

Divorce: How to get the ex to stop badmouthing you to the kids tip number two:

Agree. Another entry from the 'That should be obvious.' department. Anytime your ex starts into saying anything accusatory, simply respond with 'Yes I am.' If the barbs are those involving some sort of human anatomy, just agree. Not only will this deflate the strength of the insults themselves, but it's also all true, you are a/an (body part). Admit it.

As a bonus, admitting to any immature references to body parts of any sort is so comically annoying. Not denying being whatever body part you might resemble could be the only type of 'zinger' that's ethical to fire back. Do it with a smile. If they choose to keep treating you badly they'll only make friends for you in the divorce.

Divorce: How to get the ex to stop badmouthing you to the kids tip number three:

Make an offer. This could be the most difficult, yet most effective step, to end this ridiculousness of divorce. Stop the immaturity and be the first to take one for the kids. Write the ex a letter. In this letter, include a non-threatening, non-insulting offer to accept any criticism the ex might want to make about you. An email might work but it can't be guaranteed to be read. Do not send this letter by certified mail this time. This will only raise defenses and fears in the ex.

Offer to not only refrain from defending yourself, but also, to not allow anyone else to defend you as well. Validate the resentment and pain they feel. Let them know their part of the hurt is legitimate, whether you feel it is or not. Allow them their revenge, without reservation or defense, of any perceived wrongs that lead to a divorce.

Offer all of this on one condition: they do not bash you to the kids. Give them full license to say anything their heart might desire on the condition that not one word is said negatively to the kids by them or anyone else in their camp.

If, after a couple of weeks, there is no form of a reply, or any sort of an acknowledgement, or at least visible improvement in the moods of the kids, then send another similar letter via certified mail. The worst any ex can do with this sort of communique is to show the court how reasonable you're willing to be for the sake of the children in this divorce.

Source:

Personal experience…and;

ParentalAlienation.com

Parental-Alienation-Awareness.com

Original article: Divorce: How To Get Your Ex To Stop Bad-Mouthing You To The Kids - written by Donald Pennington on Factoidz

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