Always Blaming Yourself?
by Susan Russo

"We have to learn to be our own best friends because we fall to easily into the trap of being our own worst enemies." -Roderick Thorp

In the last week I've come across several people who have found themselves in situations that didn't work out the way they wanted. They instantly blamed themselves! Wondering what is wrong with them that things didn't turn out the way they had hoped.

Was it something I said, or did, or am I unattractive? What is wrong with me? Why did things just end, or why didn't they even get started.

The most extreme example of this is women (or men) who are abused. Whether it's verbal, physical, emotional, it doesn't matter. If someone hits you or demeans you or tries to make you feel bad about yourself, incredibly these victims think, what did I do wrong? Was it something I said or did that made him hit me?

They blame themselves as if it is their fault that this person would attack them. They actually accept the responsibility for being abused! It would never occur to them that it isn't them at all.

They would never think, what is wrong with him for acting like an animal? What is wrong with him for being so cruel? What is his problem that he would think its okay to abuse me? "He has got to go," would never enter their mind!

As I said this is the extreme, but let's take a more common scenario, one which I have recently witnessed.

A friend meets someone online. They start communicating on a fairly regular basis, at his urging. They talk about everything and are even making plans to possibly meet soon since they don't live near one another.

Then...out of the blue, he just stops all communication, cold turkey, nada, no more, finito. She asks me, "Do you think it was something I said? What did I do that he would just stop contacting me? Did he find someone better?

I said, "Whhhaaatttt? Why would you think it was you?" My automatic thought was what is his problem? What a jerk to pull someone in, have fun getting to know each other and then just end it, in the blink of an eye, without the common courtesy of a goodbye.

I said, "There isn't anything wrong with you except that you can't see it's him and not you!" My thinking follows the lines of: This guy doesn't even have the decency or respect, at the very least to say, "Gee it was nice getting to know you and wish you well, but I'm moving on."

Or, I would think, this guy doesn't even have the class to say goodbye or anything. This guy is a real player and he probably does this all the time.

I certainly wouldn't blame myself for not having what it takes to hold onto the "Internet Man." Plus I told her, just what you want; some guy whose hobby is to peruse the internet for people. That's what I'm attracted to, NOT!

The reality is that sometimes things simply don't work out the way we want. If you play the lottery and lose do you say, "What is wrong with me that I didn't pick the right numbers?" Do you blame yourself for losing?

Life doesn't always work out the way we plan or want but what good does it do you to take the world on your shoulders and act as if it is all your fault? Does it make you feel better about yourself or worse?

I am not saying that you don't take responsibility when you do make mistakes, but Lord knows taking responsibility when someone else makes the mistakes is a huge burden and one that you don't need or deserve.

So if you are going to blame yourself for someone else's shortcomings or lack of integrity or their inability to treat people right, ask yourself, "Why would I blame myself for someone else's actions? Why would I take their lack of decency and turn it against myself, as if it is me and not them?

Know that you are a good, generous, loving person and if someone wants to act like a jerk, it's certainly not your fault. Don't take the blame when someone treats you poorly or does you wrong. It really is them and not you. Wake up every day and thank God you aren't them!

The only thing wrong with you is thinking that there is something wrong with you.

So, now that you know the truth, the next time you are visited by a situation where you want to blame yourself for someone else's actions or their response to you just don't do it and remember, sometimes things simply don't work out the way we want and it has nothing to do with you.

Warm wishes…Susan

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